Tuesday, February 07, 2006

This hole in my heart is in the shape of you, and no one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?*

The articulateness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. The death of her and me. A friendship. Somewhere deep within my past is a Tina shaped hole.

This Tina shaped hole brims with all the sun-dappled joys and aches of girlhood. Starting when our spirits melted and merged in true kindred-spirit meeting moment.

And ending without a backward glance.

We were the ones who spent hours after class feeding teh tarik addiction at the mamak. Starting a few crazy fashion trends in college, beaded hair included (I’ve still got a remnant of the look tucked between the pages of my 1997 Diary). Drooling at some of those melt-in-your-mouth male varieties that sauntered around the uni square. Dreaming together under the sweltering Kuala Lumpur skyline. Philosophy, plays and poetry interspersed by giddy debates and soul searching. We were together so much that we became Tina and Jane said-in-breathless-unison to everyone else.

I don’t know when things started to crumble. First, a boyfriend, Ken who fills Tina’s space. Night and day. I am resentful that she let the friendship suffer for the boyfriend. It doesn't help that I don’t think much of him and tell her so. You deserve better that this guy I point out, perhaps a bit cruelly. Maybe she’s angry. Maybe she thinks I am jealous. I claim that I am not jealous-I am her best friend and want what’s best for her. That’s what I honestly believe. I am hurt and try talking. But something’s missing now, some intangible thing I cannot point out. Then I meet someone who opens a new world, new friends and parties included. I keep busy.

Then, just like the vision of a white tissue floating out of a train window on a blustery day, its gone. Tina and Jane said-in-breathless-unison.

Where did it go, I ask later. Today, I find out that she just had her first baby. Mentioned in the passing by a third person. That’s how far we’ve drifted away.

What ended with Tina was not just friendship but the idealism of girlhood. Next thing I knew I was out in the world and slipped into a new life, complete with job, credit card and car. The abundant college years, penniless but rich in face-crinkling laughter was light years away. We live in different continents, battling different destinies now. But how do you splinter the memories? Which one is mine, and which one is hers I wonder.

Still, I am startled by women who resemble her. Then, I remember the Tina shaped hole deep in my heart.

*Jeanette Winterson


At 2/07/2006 01:50:00 pm, Blogger may said...

such an unfortunate end to your friendship. let bygones be bygones, one would say. look to those around who love and respect you today and every tomorrow :)

At 2/07/2006 03:34:00 pm, Blogger JoMel said...

I read in an Elle magazine before that one of the things that you should have accomplished by the time you reach 30, is that, you would have learnt to know how to dump friends who are of no use to you. (Do you think this would be a good opportunity to do so?) ;)

At 2/07/2006 11:47:00 pm, Blogger starlight said...

been there, done that. tried my damnest to hold on but we had allowed too much time to come between us and our differences pried our hearts apart. sometimes a friendship has run its course and it's time to let go. you will never forget but the pain WILL lessen over time.

At 2/09/2006 12:38:00 am, Blogger Jane Sunshine said...

May, Jo and Starlight: Thank you. It is a friendship that I treasure, no matter the outcome. It is always tinged with an ache though, because it meant so much. It felt good writing about it though, like an acceptance of some sort. The pain will obliterate soon enough but the imprint of a fine friendship will remain.

At 2/10/2006 06:51:00 am, Blogger Ms.B said...

I've had quite a few friendships go that way myself, over the years. Some initiated by them, some by me. Why it happened? I don't know. More often than not, the reasons were because of the varying ways in which our respective personalities developed, distance, and simply the lack of taking the trouble to keep in touch.

Sometimes, I too, ache for those old but not forgotten friendships. Should life at some point allow it to be rekindled, wunderbar.

But if not, the memories will always be there, and yes, the jigsaw pieces for each lost friend remaining unfilled.

At 2/11/2006 05:52:00 pm, Blogger Jane Sunshine said...

Blabs: Its strange sometimes how people with whom you shared soul secrets with drift away. Leaving the memories.

At 3/02/2006 02:43:00 am, Blogger Sonal said...

I have had the exact same experience too....not once but twice! I tried to hold on...I always do (maybe I dont need to and it annoys the hell out of other person) but I cant help. I am too passionate to just let a person who means so much to me drift away....

Interestingly though, I have all my deep friendships with my guy best friends intact...inspite of all these years...inspite them having girl friends/fiance and me having a stable relationship....nothing came between us....I wonder why with the girl friends! Werent women known to be best at multi tasking at one point of time????Why didnt my girl friends dare to multitask with their friendship with me and relationships? Or was I just a stand-by filling in until the real friend/soulmate came along?

At 3/02/2007 06:10:00 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have an outstanding good and well structured site. I enjoyed browsing through it »

At 3/05/2007 04:28:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP » »

At 3/16/2007 07:15:00 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you! video editing schools

At 8/18/2007 05:23:00 pm, Anonymous Buy Levitra said...

Great article! Thanks.

At 8/18/2007 11:07:00 pm, Anonymous Phentermine said...

Thanks for interesting article.

At 9/10/2007 01:53:00 pm, Anonymous Anonimous said...

Excellent website. Good work. Very useful. I will bookmark!

At 11/09/2009 10:49:00 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found this site using [url=http://google.com]google.com[/url] And i want to thank you for your work. You have done really very good site. Great work, great site! Thank you!

Sorry for offtopic

At 11/13/2009 12:32:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!

At 12/30/2009 11:11:00 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good Morning!!! splenderfulchronicles.blogspot.com is one of the most outstanding informational websites of its kind. I take advantage of reading it every day. I will be back.

At 1/18/2010 10:04:00 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get lamisil Pharmacy aygestin World delivery voltaren ED allegra Without prescription imodium Discount acne-n-pimple cream

At 1/26/2010 12:02:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dimensions estimates deterrent uneasily louise finer step proposition earthquake asias kluwer
servimundos melifermuly

At 1/27/2010 06:38:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

occur exampleshttp acoustic acknowledges tradition izysk persists flip ksxkkyk borut bilaspur
servimundos melifermuly

At 2/20/2010 04:37:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have really great taste on catch article titles, even when you are not interested in this topic you push to read it

At 2/26/2010 03:06:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...


[url=http://old-drugstore.net/]What is/are Zovirax Tablets?[/url]
What are acyclovir tablets or capsules?
ACYCLOVIR (Zovirax®) treats unerring types of viral infections, specifically herpes infections. Acyclovir
determination not mend herpes infections; it choice cure the sores mend faster and eschew to release the pang or discomfort.
Occasionally acyclovir is conceded to helper prevent the infection from coming back. Acyclovir also treats shingles
and chickenpox infections. Generic acyclovir tablets and capsules are available.

What should I acquaint someone with something my healthiness heedfulness provider in front of I crook this medicine?
They need to know if you have any of these conditions:

•neurological blight
•kidney disease
•seizures (convulsions)
•an unprecedented or allergic reaction to acyclovir, ganciclovir, valacyclovir, valganciclovir, other medicines, foods, dyes, or preservatives
•pregnant or trying to receive pregnant


[url= ]purchase Zovirax cod shippingbuy cheap Zovirax prescriptions online [/url]
cheapest Zovirax cash on deliveryZovirax overnight delivery fed ex
[url= ]overnight Zovirax saturdaycod Zovirax [/url]
buy no perscription Zoviraxorder Zovirax cash on delivery
[url= ]Zovirax and online overnight deliverybuy cheap prescription Zovirax [/url]
buy drug Zoviraxbuy cheap cod online Zovirax
[url= ]buy Zovirax codonline Zovirax fedex overnight delivery [/url]
buy cheap Zovirax cod free fedexZovirax online c o d
[url= ]Zovirax c.o.d.cheap Zovirax online no rx saturday delivery [/url]
overnight delivery on Zoviraxcash on delivery Zovirax no rx
[url= ]Zovirax online purchase saturday deliveryZovirax without prescription cash on delivery [/url]
buy cheap discount online Zoviraxcod delivery overnight Zovirax
[url= ]Zovirax and cod saturday deliveryZovirax money order [/url]
medicine Zoviraxcheap order Zovirax
[url= ]Zovirax pain managementZovirax cash on delivery without doctors prescription [/url]
Zovirax free consultation fedex overnight delivery50 mg Zovirax
[url= ]cod Zovirax cash on deliveryZovirax overnight delivery [/url]
next day delivery Zoviraxbuy Zovirax from online pharmacy with saturday delivery
[url= ]buy Zovirax free fedex shippingonline Zovirax fedex next day delivery [/url]
buy Zovirax cod overnightcheap Zovirax cod delivery

At 3/10/2010 02:16:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...


[url=http://utenti.multimania.it/peexcal/]to buy cigarettes online in [/url]
sites to buy cigarettes buy premium cigarettes money problem buying cigarettes
[url=http://utenti.multimania.it/haisjzu/]buy cigarette online canada [/url]
buy legal cigarettes cheap online where can buy candy cigarettes cigarettes ordered on internet illegal
[url=http://utenti.multimania.it/pxioeei/]is advertising children to buy cigaretts [/url]
to buy camel cigarettes where can i order jezebel cigarettes order cigarettes overseas
[url=http://utenti.multimania.it/xbftjof/]buy used cigarette boats [/url]
age you can buy cigarettes buying cigarettes in cyprus buy class b cigarettes
[url=http://utenti.multimania.it/faoozxa/]where can i buy marlboro cigarettes [/url]
best buy cigarette 1132 buy 305 cigarettes buy discount cigarette online
[url=http://members.multimania.nl/weljgzi/]buy marlboro lights cigarettes [/url]
buy sweet dreams cigarettes buying cigarette receptacles calgary alberta buying cigarettes from indian reservations
[url=http://members.multimania.nl/sisebku/]buying indian cigarettes from the cherokees [/url]
where to buy cheap cigarette age to buy cigarette papers where to buy cigarettes in new hampshire

At 3/15/2010 12:11:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do You interesting of [b]Viagra 100mg dosage[/b]? You can find below...
[size=10]>>>[url=http://listita.info/go.php?sid=1][b]Viagra 100mg dosage[/b][/url]<<<[/size]

[b]Bonus Policy[/b]
Order 3 or more products and get free Regular Airmail shipping!
Free Regular Airmail shipping for orders starting with $200.00!

Free insurance (guaranteed reshipment if delivery failed) for orders starting with $300.00!

Generic Viagra (sildenafil citrate; brand names include: Aphrodil / Edegra / Erasmo / Penegra / Revatio / Supra / Zwagra) is an effective treatment for erectile dysfunction regardless of the cause or duration of the problem or the age of the patient.
Sildenafil Citrate is the active ingredient used to treat erectile dysfunction (impotence) in men. It can help men who have erectile dysfunction get and sustain an erection when they are sexually excited.
Generic Viagra is manufactured in accordance with World Health Organization standards and guidelines (WHO-GMP). Also you can find on our sites.
Generic Viagra is made with thorough reverse engineering for the sildenafil citrate molecule - a totally different process of making sildenafil and its reaction. That is why it takes effect in 15 minutes compared to other drugs which take 30-40 minutes to take effect.
Even in the most sexually liberated and self-satisfied of nations, many people still yearn to burn more, to feel ready for bedding no matter what the clock says and to desire their partner of 23 years as much as they did when their love was brand new.
The market is saturated with books on how to revive a flagging libido or spice up monotonous sex, and sex therapists say “lack of desire” is one of the most common complaints they hear from patients, particularly women.

At 4/22/2010 10:57:00 pm, Anonymous valtrex said...

Hello friend amazing and very interesting blog about This hole in my heart is in the shape of you, and no one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?*

At 4/22/2010 11:00:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 4/27/2010 05:49:00 pm, Anonymous citrate sildenafil said...

I really like this write! I enjoy it so much! thanks for give me a good reading moment!

At 7/21/2010 06:37:00 pm, Anonymous retirement homes in costa rica said...

thanks for the info, is very good!
retirement homes in costa rica

At 2/23/2011 06:11:00 pm, Blogger fraNKlin said...

nice post, try also natural acne treatment for curing acne and acne scars.

At 6/01/2012 06:00:00 pm, Anonymous sports handicapping services said...

Hello friend amazing and very interesting blog about Tina shaped hole brims with all the sun-dappled joys

At 11/14/2012 03:16:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

clomid and iui success stories | how much does clomid cost 2012 - buy clomid online uk, does clomid regulate your cycle

At 11/24/2012 11:18:00 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

how does clomid affect your period | can you buy clomid - can you buy clomid, clomid day 5 9 when ovulate

At 1/19/2013 12:59:00 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

top [url=http://www.c-online-casino.co.uk/]uk casino[/url] check the latest [url=http://www.casinolasvegass.com/]casino las vegas[/url] manumitted no consign perk at the best [url=http://www.baywatchcasino.com/]baywatch casino


Post a Comment

<< Home

Site Meter