Tuesday, February 07, 2006

This hole in my heart is in the shape of you, and no one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?*


The articulateness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. The death of her and me. A friendship. Somewhere deep within my past is a Tina shaped hole.

This Tina shaped hole brims with all the sun-dappled joys and aches of girlhood. Starting when our spirits melted and merged in true kindred-spirit meeting moment.

And ending without a backward glance.

We were the ones who spent hours after class feeding teh tarik addiction at the mamak. Starting a few crazy fashion trends in college, beaded hair included (I’ve still got a remnant of the look tucked between the pages of my 1997 Diary). Drooling at some of those melt-in-your-mouth male varieties that sauntered around the uni square. Dreaming together under the sweltering Kuala Lumpur skyline. Philosophy, plays and poetry interspersed by giddy debates and soul searching. We were together so much that we became Tina and Jane said-in-breathless-unison to everyone else.

I don’t know when things started to crumble. First, a boyfriend, Ken who fills Tina’s space. Night and day. I am resentful that she let the friendship suffer for the boyfriend. It doesn't help that I don’t think much of him and tell her so. You deserve better that this guy I point out, perhaps a bit cruelly. Maybe she’s angry. Maybe she thinks I am jealous. I claim that I am not jealous-I am her best friend and want what’s best for her. That’s what I honestly believe. I am hurt and try talking. But something’s missing now, some intangible thing I cannot point out. Then I meet someone who opens a new world, new friends and parties included. I keep busy.

Then, just like the vision of a white tissue floating out of a train window on a blustery day, its gone. Tina and Jane said-in-breathless-unison.

Where did it go, I ask later. Today, I find out that she just had her first baby. Mentioned in the passing by a third person. That’s how far we’ve drifted away.

What ended with Tina was not just friendship but the idealism of girlhood. Next thing I knew I was out in the world and slipped into a new life, complete with job, credit card and car. The abundant college years, penniless but rich in face-crinkling laughter was light years away. We live in different continents, battling different destinies now. But how do you splinter the memories? Which one is mine, and which one is hers I wonder.

Still, I am startled by women who resemble her. Then, I remember the Tina shaped hole deep in my heart.

*Jeanette Winterson

32 Comments:

At 2/07/2006 01:50:00 pm, Blogger may said...

such an unfortunate end to your friendship. let bygones be bygones, one would say. look to those around who love and respect you today and every tomorrow :)

 
At 2/07/2006 03:34:00 pm, Blogger JoMel said...

I read in an Elle magazine before that one of the things that you should have accomplished by the time you reach 30, is that, you would have learnt to know how to dump friends who are of no use to you. (Do you think this would be a good opportunity to do so?) ;)

 
At 2/07/2006 11:47:00 pm, Blogger starlight said...

been there, done that. tried my damnest to hold on but we had allowed too much time to come between us and our differences pried our hearts apart. sometimes a friendship has run its course and it's time to let go. you will never forget but the pain WILL lessen over time.

 
At 2/09/2006 12:38:00 am, Blogger Jane Sunshine said...

May, Jo and Starlight: Thank you. It is a friendship that I treasure, no matter the outcome. It is always tinged with an ache though, because it meant so much. It felt good writing about it though, like an acceptance of some sort. The pain will obliterate soon enough but the imprint of a fine friendship will remain.

 
At 2/10/2006 06:51:00 am, Blogger Ms.B said...

I've had quite a few friendships go that way myself, over the years. Some initiated by them, some by me. Why it happened? I don't know. More often than not, the reasons were because of the varying ways in which our respective personalities developed, distance, and simply the lack of taking the trouble to keep in touch.

Sometimes, I too, ache for those old but not forgotten friendships. Should life at some point allow it to be rekindled, wunderbar.

But if not, the memories will always be there, and yes, the jigsaw pieces for each lost friend remaining unfilled.

 
At 2/11/2006 05:52:00 pm, Blogger Jane Sunshine said...

Blabs: Its strange sometimes how people with whom you shared soul secrets with drift away. Leaving the memories.

 
At 3/02/2006 02:43:00 am, Blogger Sonal said...

I have had the exact same experience too....not once but twice! I tried to hold on...I always do (maybe I dont need to and it annoys the hell out of other person) but I cant help. I am too passionate to just let a person who means so much to me drift away....

Interestingly though, I have all my deep friendships with my guy best friends intact...inspite of all these years...inspite them having girl friends/fiance and me having a stable relationship....nothing came between us....I wonder why with the girl friends! Werent women known to be best at multi tasking at one point of time????Why didnt my girl friends dare to multitask with their friendship with me and relationships? Or was I just a stand-by filling in until the real friend/soulmate came along?

 
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